Life has rhythm—an ebb and flow that moves with us as we journey through experiences of connection and bonding, separation and loss. Acknowledging this normal part of living can help us move through sorrow and grief in a healthy way. As Christians, we can also know the deep comfort of God and the support of those in our faith community as we feel the pain of loss (see 2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

Grief impacts our whole being—physically, emotionally and spiritually. When confronted by our own grief response we make choices that will determine our capacity to mourn in a healthy way.

Grief is intensely personal—no two experiences are exactly the same. The response to the loss of a spouse will be different than to the loss of a child. How we deal with the death of a parent will vary depending on the closeness of the relationship and the circumstances. Divorce presents another kind of loss that can be complicated by shared custody of children. Empty nest syndrome, relocating to a new city or loss of employment through layoff or retirement can also trigger grief.

It is important to know that children grieve differently than adults (see below). They tend to mourn in spurts and in a way that is appropriate to their stage of development. Talking openly about the person who has died gives children permission to grieve, remember and ask questions. It is crucial that they do not carry false responsibility or guilt for the loss.

If you want to support someone who is grieving, it is important to recognize that different reactions are normal

When we embrace our grief the journey is often chaotic. We may experience a myriad of unpredictable emotions. It may be helpful to ask: How did my family deal with losses when I was growing up? How has that influenced the way I deal with this today?

Grief is like falling into a deep valley. At first we may feel emotionally numb; we are still in a state of shock. As our emotions begin to thaw and we begin to feel the pain of our loss, emotional mood swings can leave us feeling exhausted and muddled.

Healthy grieving takes courage. Often our emotions can feel like waves that overwhelm us. In time, the intensity of these emotions will diminish as we move to a place of acceptance or forgiveness. Eventually we can climb out of the valley with the new learning we have gained and interact with others with renewed energy.

Peter Scazzero in The Emotionally Healthy Church comments that our Western society often avoids or suppresses grief. “A lot of people feel uncomfortable with those who are mourning,” he writes. “Losses are seen as an invasion that interrupts our 'normal lives.' ”

Avoiding the pain of our loss, however, can leave us stuck and open to complicated grief that can emerge years later. If we don't acknowledge our grief and do the work of mourning, our long-term health may be impacted by high blood pressure, headaches, clinical depression and somatic illnesses.

If you want to support someone who is grieving, it is important to recognize that different reactions are normal. Understanding our own reactions can give us insight into what it may be like for someone else or what may be helpful to say or do. But often it's the ministry of presence—of simply being with the grieving person—that is the most important thing.

Embrace Grief Spiritually
When we grieve it is helpful to focus on God's mercy and compassion. We can do this through worship, prayer and Scripture. Through songs of worship God can paint a picture of his comfort wrapped around us like a blanket. Through our prayers he reaches down into the depths of our heart's cry and lifts us up.

A spiritual journal can also help us feel connected to God and express his hand at work in the grief journey. Try these exercises:

• Write about the blessings of the day.
• List how God has blessed you through a family member or a friend.
• List a Scripture verse that God has brought to your mind.
• Write a prayer. Express in words to the Lord the deep sadness you feel. Allow the words to flow as you sit quietly before the Lord.
• Tell the Lord of your burden of grief and invite him to walk with you through each aspect of the day.

Embrace Grief Physically
Get proper rest. Grieving is hard work and it affects the body. Extra rest is needed during intense grieving as the body feels drained. Getting to bed at a regular time each night allows the body to readjust. Naps during the early days of the journey are vital.

Eat a healthy diet. Paying close attention to our eating habits is important. The desire to eat may increase or decrease during times of intense grief. Eating three meals a day and healthy snacks is most important. The body requires good nutrition to stay healthy during the grieving process.

Often it's the ministry of presence—of simply being with the grieving person—that is the most important thing

Exercise regularly. Take a walk, join a swimming program, ride a bike, jog or hike. As you exercise, take the time to reflect on the outdoors, enjoy the sunshine, stop and smell a few flowers along the way. A 30-minute brisk walk releases endorphins in the body that reduce stress and help us feel better.

Embrace Grief Emotionally
Facing the grief process includes facing our emotions. Find a safe place to sit with the pain and face the fears of loss. Work through the feelings of anger, guilt, frustration, regrets and disappointments. We cannot heal well if we don't grieve well emotionally.

A strong support system of family and friends enables healthy emotions to surface. A professional counsellor can help provide insights into emotional upheaval. The use of symbols can also facilitate a healthy remembrance of the loved one during significant days such as holidays or anniversaries when their absence is felt deeply. A candle, plant, poem or special music can acknowledge the person and his or her value to us. Often these significant days are hard because the depth of the pain is so intense. But as we embrace the pain of our loss we will continue to grieve in a healthy way.

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When Children Grieve

• When a death occurs in the family, adults may be preoccupied with their own feelings of grief and be unable to support the children. Children of all ages grieve, including infants. The younger the child, the longer the grief lasts.
• Because children grieve in ways unique to childhood, their grief work may not be recognized by adults. Children are not short adults. They grieve through their behaviour and in their play, not by talking about their feelings. What a child is doing is how he feels.
• Grieving children may act out in anger toward siblings, be especially clinging, complain of tummy aches or withdraw. Grief fits the child.
• Children may hurt themselves out of feelings of guilt and the desire to be punished. This guilt results from the normal belief of young children that they are the cause of all that happens in the world.
• Since children cannot tolerate intensely painful feelings for long periods, they grieve in spurts; that is, they may cry or talk about their sadness and then minutes later go out to play in a casual way. The child simply needs a breather from the emotional pain.
• Young children grieve the death at each developmental stage. A three-year-old cannot know what it means to grow up without a mommy, and will grieve the loss through all stages of growth as the meaning becomes more clear.

What You Can Do
1. Provide focused one-to-one attention in playing with the child. Let the child be the leader in the play.
2. Assume that the child is grieving in the right way. Don't try to get a child to talk about it. Children will express their feelings in the way that is comfortable for them.
3. Don't try to soften the experience by using fancy language. Use plain and simple words. Daddy didn't pass away, he died.
4. Recognize the child's searching for the person who died. It is impossible for young children to comprehend that a person is gone forever until they are about nine or 10.
5. Don't pressure or encourage children to cry. Children need permission to cry or not to cry. Grief is not measured by tears.
6. Don't send children away to babysitters to protect them from the family sadness. Include them. Let them decide when they want to go out to play or be with the adults.
7. Don't promise you won't die. Say, “I think I will live until I am very, very old, but no one knows for sure when they will die.”
8. Don't single a child out for special privileges. Maintain the same rules and routine as before the death.

Taken from Helping Kids Through Tough Times by Doris Sanford