It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas, isn’t it?

Some of us can’t afford to pull into the gas station and pump up our tires. CEOs are now playing mini-golf. McDonald’s is holding the price but it’s now a ¼-ouncer. But if you just happen to have more money than month, here are luxury gifts you can buy for those long-neglected friends and family.

The Ultimate Gift List

• First up is a case of purified ice cubes at just $325 for a pack of 40. Glace Luxury Ice Co. has created zero taste ice cubes free of minerals, additives or other pollutants that could contaminate the taste of your beverage. Ice! Cool! Downside is, you can’t pop this gift under the tree … unless your tree is in the freezer. Or if you live in an igloo, like us Canadians. (You know what I do if my house falls apart in the winter? Igloo it back together.)
• Next up in the colossal luxury gift category is a $390 Gucci swimsuit. The only downside is that you can’t swim in it. If the fabric comes in contact with pool water, it’s ruined. Ah, yes, the bathing suit you can’t bathe in. (By the way, while swimming, classical musicians prefer to do the Bach stroke.)
• You can also purchase a suit of armour for your guinea pig. It’s a mere $26,000. (I think they’re made in Hamsterdam.)
• And if your pet has passed away? Well, for about $50,000, you can get that pet cloned. Imagine the look on your mother’s face when she opens a box Christmas morning with her dear Sparky in it. And why not house Sparky in a luxury dog mansion for just $95,000? I’m not making this up.

The Perfect Christmas

I grew up below the poverty line. We barely had enough money to buy patches for my jeans. But the years have taught me this: Christmas can’t be bought. And I don’t need a super-yacht (see last paragraph) to know that I am the richest kid in town. Why? Because some of my favourite humans and a dog or two will be with me around the tree this year. 

Together, before we open the stuff, we’ll thank God for the greatest gift ever, given that first Christmas, wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger: Our Saviour, God’s Son, Jesus. The one who came to save us from our sins. It beats a Gucci swimsuit any day.

And if my children are reading this, I don’t need a suit of armour for my guinea pig. Just bring the grandkids. And no more gag gifts. No slippers that look like cabbage or towels that look burritos.

Instead, just buy me the world’s most expensive yacht, the History Supreme. It boasts a feature wall made from T. Rex bones and meteorite rock, plus 100,000 kilograms of gold and platinum. The price tag: $4.8 billion. I kid you not. That’s a … yacht of money.

Phil Callaway’s Laugh Again radio program airs 700 times a week in Canada. Visit him at laughagain.org.

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