Just over two and a half years ago, on July 9, 2019, I sat in the office of my oncologist at the Cancer Centre in Kingston, Ont. Her words will forever be etched in my memory: “Cancer. Inoperable. Terminal.” My husband, daughter and I sat there stunned, hearing the words no one ever thinks will be applied to their life.

My daughter finally spoke up and asked, “How long does my mother have?”

“I am so sorry,” my doctor replied. “Two years, at best.”

Rock Solid

The following days were filled with question marks: What do I do? How does one prepare? Chemotherapy? Will it slow the cancer down? Will it give me more time?

I didn’t know the answers, but I knew who did.

“Dear Lord,” I prayed. “In the days ahead, direct my path when I don’t know in what direction I need to go. I put it all in your hands, trusting and believing you know best.”

Soon after, my daughter gifted me with a beautiful journal.

“Mom,” she wrote in it, “this is a special place for you to record your journey. I pray this journal is a spot to release your story and feelings now, and a special place for your family later.” She also added, from Psalm 61:2: “From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”

That “rock”—Jesus Christ—became the solid ground where I found the strength to face the chemo, pain and sickness that followed.

Words of Wisdom

Two weeks after my diagnosis, someone posted the following on Facebook: “The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation” (Psalm 118:14).

Following that, they wrote: “The battle is not yours, it’s the Lord’s. When you feel weak and overwhelmed, remember your strength comes from the Lord. Don’t give up! During the battle, the Lord will fight for you. During the trial, the Lord will strengthen you. During the test, the Lord will encourage you, through Jesus Christ. Don’t give up! Give it to God!”

“Could surgery be an option?” I asked my doctors. “I am sorry, no,” was the answer. —Darlene Tustin

Those words, along with the love and prayers of my family and friends, carried me through many days. But, to be honest, there were days I didn’t think I could rise above all that my cancer journey entailed.

“I don’t want to dismiss a miracle, Lord,” I wrote in my journal, “but it would have to be an awful big one, and I don’t know if I truly believe that it can happen for me.”

Highs and Low

More than two years passed. I went through chemotherapy, blood transfusions, pills, injections, MRI and CT scans and, for the most part, I felt good. I was hopeful that my cancer was either regressing or sitting dormant.

“Could surgery be an option?” I asked my doctors.

“I am sorry, no,” was the answer.

Considering the extent of my cancer, surgery would be a drastic measure, and the doctors could not guarantee they would get it all. Even so, at that time, I felt no effects from the cancer, though I struggled daily with a rare autoimmune disease called scleroderma, an uncommon side-effect from the chemo.

“You Are a Miracle!“

Considering everything, however, I was surprised and grateful to be where I was. But I was certainly unprepared for what came next.

Sitting once again in the same oncologist’s office on September 14, 2021, where I had sat two years before, I heard some other life-altering words that, again, I never expected to hear: “You have no cancer. We cannot find it.”

“How is that possible?” I asked.

“You’re right,” she replied. “It is impossible! In all my years of practice, I have never witnessed a patient go from Stage 4 inoperable cancer to … ‘We can’t find it!’ ”

Looking right at me, she stated emphatically, “You are a miracle!”

Knocking on Heaven’s Door

That was the last thing I expected to hear.

“Oh, my goodness!” was all I could stammer. (I think I repeated that about 10 times in the office.)

If I had had my wits about me, I would have shared that, while I may be a miracle, it is because I know the Miracle Maker—Jesus Christ! But I was too stunned to communicate much of anything.

I couldn’t believe God would perform such an incredible act in my life. And that was my problem.

I realized then just how small my faith was, for the Lord hadn’t really answered my prayers. You see, I was praying for perseverance and faithfulness through my journey, whereas my church friends and family had been praying for the miracle I never expected would be mine.

“I am so sorry, dear Lord, for doubting,” I prayed that night. “Maybe not really doubting as much as feeling unworthy. I know your love has no boundaries, but I put boundaries where there should have been none.”

God’s amazing grace and love taught me one important lesson on this cancer journey. While we have to pray for one another, we have to pray BIG! How can we have the incredible miracles God intends to bless us with if we don’t put it all there before him?

Through this time, I was not aware of how much I put a question mark on my expectations, thinking I was outside the realm of such a miracle. That day, I learned there are no question marks with God, who loves us more than we sometimes love ourselves.

“Thank you, Jesus,” I concluded my prayer, “for reminding me there are no limitations with you.”

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