Four bedrooms. Two levels. Lovely hardwood floors, a huge kitchen complete with an island counter and trees outside every window.

I was jealous.

What Was Wrong With Me?

It was the first time I’d been inside my friend Dee’s home. Although I admired her spacious custom-built house on several wooded hectares, that unwanted pang of jealousy attacked my heart. Again.

This dark, ugly feeling had troubled me before. I often compared myself to my more affluent friends.

My Bible study companion, Barbara, a loan officer in a bank, had a knack for making money. She seemed to attract it without even trying. My pastor husband, Kevin, and I struggled to make ends meet on our salaries.

My work supervisor, Laurie, dressed as if she’d just stepped out of a fashion magazine. Most of my clothes had been given to me by friends who’d cleaned out their closets.

And then, of course, Dee and her dream home. We lived in a 50-year-old parsonage.

Why do you bless some people more than others, Lord? I complained. We are hardworking; we tithe and give to charity. Why do we still struggle financially?

I was envious of those who had more than I did and mad at God for not equalizing our status.

It’s not that I wanted my friends to have less; I simply wanted more than God had given me.

I wrestled in prayer, questioning God’s choices and then condemning myself for the jealousy that rose in my heart every time Barbara told me about a bonus she’d received at work or Laurie wore a new outfit. I tried to rejoice with those whom God blessed with the things I wanted. My mouth spoke the words, “I’m so happy for you,” while my heart argued that life wasn’t fair.

What was wrong with me? I’d been a Christian since I was eight and a pastor’s wife for decades. Why couldn’t I overcome this green-eyed monster? Something wasn’t working. I felt helpless and frustrated.

Gratitude Changes Attitude

That’s when I decided to do what I should have done in the first place: ask God for ideas.

One morning as I was praying about this dilemma for the thousandth time, a thought slipped quietly into my heart: Envy stems from not being grateful.

I knew God was speaking. I could almost see a lightbulb hanging in mid-air above my head change from murky grey to shining yellow.

“You’re right, Lord,” I said. “I haven’t been thankful for all Your goodness. I’ve been focusing on everyone else’s blessings and forgetting mine. Please forgive me. Help me to be content, to love the life You chose to give me.”

I looked up a Bible verse I’d heard many times—but had failed to practise—tucked at the end of Paul’s first letter to the church in Thessalonica: “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

How had I been blind to so many riches of my own? A faithful husband who spent his morning commute to work memorizing Scripture and his evenings at home with our family. Two kids who helped with the housework, got high grades and—most of the time—obeyed Kevin and me. A nutty sense of humour and the ability to talk to anyone and make him or her feel comfortable. The gifts of singing, teaching and writing, none of which I earned or deserved. Enough money to pay the bills and a closet full of clothes. My life overflowed with God’s goodness.

I began to concentrate on my own treasures. First thing each day, I listed three things I was grateful for in a book I named my “blessing journal.” They might be as simple as sunshine, cats and cheese. Or as extraordinary as the Word of God, a healthy marriage and a church family we loved.

The simple act of writing three reasons to rejoice every day helped me see that God was not playing unfair. I just needed to adjust my focus away from myself and onto the Lord’s faithfulness.

It’s not that I wanted my friends to have less; I simply wanted more than God had given me. JEANETTE LEVELLIE

Lip-Balm Prayer

Some time later, God gave me an idea that further set me free from envy: Each time you apply lip balm, pray for Dee, Barb or Laurie.

Since I’m a lip-balm fiend, I knew that I’d be praying for one of my friends at least 10 times that day. Every time I prayed, I was reminded of all the challenges they faced, from relationship issues to car problems. I continued this method of using a “prayer prompt” for several days.

Before I knew it, instead of comparing myself to a friend who seemed richer than I was, my eyes were opened to see my life as it really was. My heart grew in compassion, and the envy subsided.

I still wrestle with jealousy from time to time. I constantly need to remind myself that God is not limited by what I consider lack. He loves all His children with the same love, but He’s given each of us different gifts and blessings. As I thank God for my unique talents and dedicate them to Him, He’ll use them for His good purposes.

That thought fills my heart with joy.

Photo: Carlos David/stock.Adobe.com