“I expected that I would be on my own in ministry as I'm single, but I was surprised at how lonely it is. I thought it would be enough ministering to my people. I feel so isolated.”—Sean*

“Life in ministry is so busy, yet I feel so lonely. We are both so exhausted we have nothing left for each other. We spend our time surviving the pressure of work and trying to help our children make the transition. I guess we haven't made this change as well as some others.”—Juliet*

“We were ready for a move and we love the new challenges. We are making some good connections in the church and the community. But our children are not doing so well. They miss their friends and find they have little in common with the children at school. Our youngest cries herself to sleep—we don't know how to help her. Our teenager just won't talk about it.”—Anne* (* names changed)

These are just a few scenarios that sum up the situations faced by people engaged in Christian ministry. The common thread? Loneliness. How prevalent is this issue? Is it real or imagined? Given time, will it pass? What can be done to address it?

Loneliness can be a challenge for many people in ministry as well as for their spouse or children. A survey of church leaders in the book Hard to be Holy discovered higher levels of loneliness in clergy as compared with the laity. It also found that loneliness was a bigger factor in burnout for clergy than emotions such as anger. If you are in ministry, you have probably experienced loneliness.

Why Are We Lonely?
God has created us to be in relationship with Himself and with others. There is an innate part of us that seeks companionship, that needs to belong somewhere outside of ourselves —to be relationally connected.

Loneliness occurs when an individual hasn't been able to develop or maintain meaningful relationships in which there is freedom to share thoughts and feelings about personal life experiences. In her book I'm Lonely, Lord—How Long? Marva Dawn describes loneliness as a “general, pervasive alienation: we just don't feel as if we belong in our place of work, in our community, in our family, even in our church. Maybe we don't have anyone with whom we can share the most important dimensions of our lives.”

Those in ministry often find it difficult to develop or maintain meaningful relationships. The traditional role of “minister” or “leader” can isolate one from the congregation. It makes a leader wonder: “Does anyone really understand or care what I go through?”

For some, loneliness becomes more intense during significant holidays, particularly Christmas and Thanksgiving, when extended family celebration has been the tradition. After a change of location or the loss of a significant relationship, these traditional times of connection and celebration can intensify the sense of loneliness and loss felt by an individual or family.

The traditional role of “minister” or “leader” can isolate one from the congregation. It makes a leader wonder: “Does anyone really understand or care what I go through?”

Loneliness is different from solitude. There are times in our Christian lives that God calls us to solitude. These are positive experiences that give us space to explore our own relationship with God, self and others. Jesus spoke of His own need to withdraw from people and to go into solitary places to pray (Mark 1:35). These self-imposed retreats refresh us and prepare us to better relate to God and others in a deeper, healthier way.

In contrast, loneliness is never a choice. It can be hard to cope with loneliness, but the feelings need not be permanent. Here are positive steps to help you initiate and strengthen relationships with others to ease the burden of loneliness.

Steps to Manage Loneliness
1. Get to know yourself. Identify activities that re-energize you. Who are the people that give to you rather than drain your energy? Are you an extrovert or introvert? We react to loneliness in a variety of ways and have different expectations as to the amount of time we need to spend with others.

2. Determine why you are lonely. Have you moved to a new area where it has been difficult to establish relationships? Are you dissatisfied with your current relationships? Are you grieving lost relationships? Is it anxiety about being single? If loneliness is connected to feelings of depression, see your family doctor for help.

3. Give yourself permission to invest time regularly with God and to develop relationships with others―both family and friends.

4. Identify significant people who can become a support network. Thank them for their encouragement in the past. Ask if they would commit to pray for you consistently and support you by phone or e-mail.

5. Challenge negative thinking that tends to exaggerate and intensify lonely feelings. Thoughts such as “No one really cares for me” or “I have no friends” will drain away any motivation to change your situation.

6. Develop connections outside your ministry role. Join an interest group or fitness club in your community to meet new people. Common interests are a launching pad for new friendships.

7. Get to know other Christian workers in your area or a neighbouring community. Think outside the box! There may be others looking for support and friendship, too.

8. Start a spiritual formation group with other clergy. Share, pray and encourage each other. As trust grows you'll find mutual support in such relationships.

9. Notice when feelings of loneliness seem more intense. Acknowledge these feelings and call someone from your support network. Let them know how you feel and share prayer together.

10. Set achievable goals. Be realistic and remind yourself that building relationships takes time.

Help Children Adjust
The needs of children depend on their age and level of development. Young children find security in the presence of their parents. As children start school there is a gradual shift toward building friendships with other children. During their teenage years relationships with peers become most important. Parents usually take a back seat as their teenager looks outside the family to other adults to provide support and direction.

Strategies to help children deal with loneliness need to be age appropriate and tailored to individual personalities. Get to know your children, how they relate to others and what issues they are struggling with. Loneliness from moving to a new area is distinct from loneliness arising from a lack in the ability to share with or relate to others in appropriate ways. Even shy and introverted children can learn the skills to build friendships.

Children are naturally curious. The anticipation of discovering a new area can help prepare children for a move. When our family moved to Canada from Australia my husband and I talked openly with our two teenage sons. We researched the many attractions of Canada, discovering the things we would like to experience together. We talked about meeting new friends and ways to stay connected to Australia. We were honest about the challenges a new culture would bring. We even talked about the loneliness and grief that would come, and encouraged our sons to value each other.

Here are some other suggestions:
1. Pray together for God's help to move through the transition process. Acknowledge that this process takes time.

2. Talk with them and let them know that their feelings are normal. Be aware that loneliness can lead to depression in some children and thoughts of suicide in teens. If concerned, seek help through the family doctor, school guidance counsellor or THQ pastoral services.

3. Help them get oriented in their new environment by exploring the community together.

4. Set up an e-mail address and teach them how to use MSN to chat with friends. (Maybe they can teach you!)

5. Affirm your children. Remind them they are worth knowing and have a lot to offer others. Point out their gifts and abilities to help develop their self-esteem.

6. Teach them how to be a good friend, share, take turns and settle differences. Alert them about the dangers of drugs and the need to choose friends carefully.

7. Enroll them in group activities or sports that they have an interest in so they can meet other children.

8. Exercise regularly as a family to help manage the stress of the transition.

9. Listen to your children and try to see the situation through their eyes. It will help them to feel heard and valued.

10. Encourage them to invite another child over who they think could become a friend.

11. Get to know other families in the church or in their sports teams and invite them over for a meal.

12. Encourage them to take the initiative to build friendships, to show an interest in what others are doing and to be friendly.

13. Raise their awareness that other children feel lonely, too, and that there may be children ready for their friendship.

14. Pray that God will help them choose good friends and be a good friend.

Whether it is triggered by physical or emotional isolation, loneliness is a real challenge for people in ministry. Alleviate loneliness by building your relationship with God and others. This is a choice we can make that will help bring balance and wholeness to our ministries.

The ideas in this article are only suggestions; strategies I have tried with my family or developed with clients in my counselling practice. You may have discovered other creative ideas that help alleviate the pain of loneliness. I welcome your comments and suggestions. Write to me at Robyn_Smartt@can.salvationarmy.org.

Sources
Marva J. Dawn, I'm Lonely, Lord—How Long? (Eerdmans, U.S.A.)
Peter Kaldor and Rod Bullpit, Burnout in Church Leaders (Open Book, Australia)
Susan Tanner and Jillian Ball, Beating the Blues (Doubleday, Australia)
Paul and Libby Whetham, Hard to be Holy (Open Book, Australia)

Major Robyn Smartt and her husband, Howard, are directors of pastoral services in the Canada and Bermuda Territory. She has a teaching background and is an accredited clinical counsellor. Prior to coming to Canada in 2004, Robyn served in the Australia Eastern Territory. Howard and Robyn have two teenage sons, Matt and Chris.