The Salvation Army officer is an example of someone who should always be joyful, healthy and successful—this is what people often think, but is it really like that in real life?

I have been an officer for more than nine years, and for more than three years I have been living with depression.

Sometimes, there are days when you do not see any sense and your helplessness is stronger than your desire. The hardest thing at these moments is to preach on a Sunday, because you must be the one who gives hope and inspiration to others.

You try every day, you pray and you believe that things will get better, but it does not always work. At these moments, there will be someone “spiritual” who will tell you that your faith is too small, that psychologists are all a scam and you just need to pray more. You come home and the only thing you want is to lie down and do nothing. Thoughts begin that you are not enough.

Where Is God?

In 2022, when the war in Ukraine began, my family lost our home, our city was badly damaged, and bad news came more and more often that someone had died. I remember how hundreds of people came to us for help, refugees from Ukraine who had lost everything they had.

Those days, I thought that I have no right to my problems, because there are those who are even worse. Could it be even more difficult? It turns out that, yes. My stepfather in Ukraine died. My mother and I could not go to the funeral because there was a war in our city.

As a migrant in a foreign country, I always feel lonely because society reminds me that I am only a guest (even in your own corps). You ask yourself questions at such a moment: Where is God in my life?

But despite all of that, every day I start over, as a new life. I do not know what this day will bring me, but I know that I need to move forward. Sometimes you need to stop and rest. Sometimes you need to take your difficulties and put them aside to be a listening ear for others. Most importantly, you have to find a balance, and that doesn’t come easy. Every day you work on yourself. Every day is a battlefield, sometimes a victory, sometimes a defeat. God is always in your life, no matter what.

If you are also an officer of The Salvation Army, then you know well that in our service it can be difficult. Sometimes too difficult. But there is something that gives strength to go on and believe in God’s plan. Many people look at us and think that we are stronger, wiser and happier than they. They forget that every officer is first just a human, who daily does his or her best.

In my dark days, I remember that God knows when and what to give us. Every desert teaches us new skills. Some people told me that my depression is sin and a lack of faith. Some told me that there is no reason to be “sad.” I believe that most of these people had good intentions, but for sure the wrong approach.

Maybe you are someone who lives with depression, too. Maybe you know what this fight means. Then know that you are not alone. We are still worthy, we are still enough and we are still loved by God, no matter what people say.

Maybe you have people with depression in your corps. Remember that a hug and listening often means more than smart spiritual advice. Don’t fail by teaching those who, just now, need love.

Maybe today I go through my desert, but I also go through a wonderful adventure of being an officer of The Salvation Army, and this means that my heart is still given to God, and my hands are serving others. Sometimes those hands have fallen down, but God helps me to lift them up and turn to others who are in need.

Captain Oleg Samoilenko and his wife, Captain Dominika Domanska, are corps officers in Warsaw, Poland.

Reprinted from Salvos Online.